Finding Resilience

     There is a time and a place for everything. I haven't sat down and reflected in a bit and while I'm not sure if that was due to lack or time or not having anything passionate to write about-I'm here now. The past year has been an absolute whirlwind of horse showing and travel. I'm grateful for all of it, but it's also exhausting. And as a friend of mine said the other day and I find it true for me too 'My soul is tired today'. Let me explain.

    Anyone that's a horse person or friend of mine knows how incredible my horse career with the infamous Little Hail has been. For 3 years, that bay beast has been carrying me around many a cross country course and was the first horse of 5 attempted horses to get me to intermediate. My focus has been entirely devoted to my career because hope isn't a strategy. Sweat and tears and committing every dollar to getting lessons and bettering myself constantly have gotten me here. Every waking day. That's not to say that I haven't had a day off here and there because the human mind can only handle so much intensity.

 

The journey to this level has taken me from Florida, Maryland, Kentucky and many places in between. I have met some incredible horses and riders and at the end of the day, we all work hard and want to be the best versions of ourselves that we are capable of. We all have big goals. It doesn't make you unique in this sport or at this level. But one thing I did find incredible was the true love of the horse. At my 2*L in October, in every FEI barn you could find someone sitting in their horses stall just hanging out with their partner. I wasn't the only one loving on my guy after cross country or sneaking him pets or treats during the day or after the jog ups. The barn late at night was filled with riders all worried about their horses legs or if they would have enough gusto for show jumping the next day. Because at the end of the day, we really are all jumping farm animals over logs and colored sticks.

    Something I often tell my clients or potential horse buyers when they are worried about if they will be talented enough to take the horse to the fullness of their potential is "The horse does not care nor know whether or not he does cross rails or the Olympics". They are horses. It's that simple. They want to fed and cared for and I think loved but Hail would absolutely argue the last part. He feasts on the tears of children and me probably and thrives. But I digress. The same goes for the money we spend on them. They don't know if the are worth a dollar and a hundred thousand dollars. Little Hail is just as important as the oldest lesson horse on the farm. While Hail may be worth more dollar bills or have more ribbons on the wall, some of the older horses have made tons of little girls dreams come true and kicked off their love and obsession with horses which much to their parent's horror will likely last a lifetime.

    It's easy to let your dreams get hijacked or derailed by a force. That force might be a super talented horse coming into your path or an extremely driven coach who knows how to push for results. It might be the result of being surrounded by show driven kids or being in a barn that likes competing. If none of those things float your boat, don't feel badly about that or feel guilted into living someone else's dreams for you! Your life is your story-you don't need an editor. I haven't decided if Hail and I need to run advanced or if we stay at the intermediate and 3* level. We are having a helluva good time here and anyone that's seen me run cross country knows it. I will continue to be unapologetically me every single day. One thing that will always stop me from being a 5* rider is because I too enjoy hopping on bareback some days and having a 'free brain day' as my husband calls it. Sometimes it's just nice to enjoy your horse as what he is-a horse, and not always be pushing that next goal.

    I can't tell you how no one will ever be more surprised than me when I do well at this level. Truly. I'm shocked every time and I surmise the reason for that is that I've stopped trying so dang hard. At the one day shows, I don't even check my score until the end of the last phase. Because it doesn't matter! We spend all this money for a piece of satin I could buy for $5. I don't want to lose sight of why I do this. I do it because I love horses. I do it because I'm a thrill seeker. At the end of the day I just want to enjoy each moment of the show day with my horse. He didn't sign up for this and he doesn't care. But you know what? He really likes making me happy and he loves being told that he's 'Mommy's special prince'. Also treats. Say no more. I just really freaking love this horse and the day he leaves me, I will be beyond devastated. But I will no longer 'try to win' because that in itself is a recipe for disappointment. That's not to say I don't work my butt off but I do that for me. I am out here to prove to ME that I'm good enough. Validation comes from within, not from a stranger telling me I am. Once I figured that out, life got a lot better.

    So why is my soul tired you ask? Easy. Horses will be horses. I got home from a delightful run in Maryland and the next day Hail had a ginormous hind leg and he was 3 legged lame. Obviously I was immediately ill thinking I broke him. For 3 weeks we have been battling a persistent case of cellulitis. So much that he went to Wisconsin equine for a week. If you know anything about anything, that isn't cheap but I would never deny my favorite teammate the absolute best care. So we have continued his care at home and we are cautiously optimistic that we are almost ready to get back to riding. I have maxed out his insurance, I have spent thousands on his care and will continue to exhaust my resources to make sure he will be alright. I have broken down mentally and cried on his neck many times these last few weeks because I just want my best friend to feel better. I have not been my best mentally, physically or emotionally during any of this and to those of you who have been around me during my weakest moments-thank you for understanding and giving me a wide berth. I don't want to be around me either!

    In short-this journey I'm on isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It's sunny days and tornado warnings. Forgive me for not posting often about the icky stuff on social media. It's not because it's not happening to me, it's because I'm not proud that we are struggling and we don't need any pity. Everyone has their rainy days and mine are no worse than anyone else. I just want to go on a bareback trail ride and enjoy the sunshine on my pony instead of re-wrapping his leg for the thousandth time or having my thumb hover over my vet's phone number debating whether or not I'm qualified for that day's required care. I'm exasperated from the constant stress about what the day brings. I'm frustrated by my lack of focus on my students needs because I'm thinking about Hail. The silver lining is that I have devoted a lot of time to my young horses and I am seeing massive improvement in their skills since they are currently on the front burner much to their surprise!

    I don't when you will see the pink blur tearing up cross country again. It will likely be a few months as we have to physically and financially recover. But even if it's longer, I just want my guy to feel happy and healthy again. That's my priority and rest is all secondary. So fine, I will take this time to get my wild young horses showing, the ones that make me question if I have any sanity or even know how to ride a horse. Nothing like a wild thoroughbred to make you question your life choices am I right? It's called character building or at least that's what my mother said. I can take this time to focus on my students and maybe even make an attempt on a social life since my summer just got a bit more homebound. It's all going to be just fine and that's what I'm putting my energy into because I don't do bad days, just bad moments. And in time this too, shall pass.

Photo credits to John Crowell and Kristin Strehlow