Manifesting My Moment
This entire summer was a roller coaster of emotional turmoil. Florida was short and sweet. Came home, drove to Maryland to show and then Hail proceeded to fight a bout of cellulitis for 8 weeks. I emptied my bank account and fist fought my insurance to get the best care for him. He ended up spending a week in the vet hospital getting round the clock care for days on end. I cried. I felt like I had let him down and had been a bad horseperson. And for the record-I don't cry. I did it a lot in May and June. Without Hail, was I even a good rider anymore or was I just a one trick pony? Pun intended. I also struggled with a voice disorder for 6 months limiting all my teaching. Luckily my super friend Rachel Heinen is also an incredible speech therapist and helped fix me! I had to do some serious soul searching inside which was tough because no one likes to do a self eval.
We made our comeback in August at Otter Creek in the intermediate and the stress level was high as I questioned whether we were fit and ready. He was so excited to be back in action and so was his jockey. Although I did win, the real win for me was a happy and sound horse and show jumping clear. Finishing on your dressage score at this stage of the game is incredibly challenging because as we all know, a lot can go wrong out there. But Little Hail prevailed and sure loved leading the victory gallop to the cheers of his adoring fans. I'm just an accessory but he is the main star of the gig. His ego grows an inch every time someone comments on his small stature yet killer athletic ability. Sometimes it's hard to fit him in the horse trailer with his head being that big. Luckily he pins his ears a lot like the grumpty dumpty he is and therefor seems to squeeze in.
Our summer consisted of many losses of front shoes and many patient farriers answering my frantic texts and vets calmly answering my phone calls, but Dorothy and I managed to come up with a solid fall plan for Hail and I. The ever intimidating idea of running a 3 star. While intermediate was always the goal, a 3 star was the ultimate end goal, potentially unattainable, pipe dream, how-the-heck-will-I-afford-that fantasy. I am not a born wealthy girl. I wasn't gifted with generational wealth. More like generational hard work ethic and the inability to take rest day. I come from a family of intense over achievers and do it yourselfers. We don't call somebody to help or rely on others but instead struggle through figuring out how to do it on your own. That driving will to thrive has taken me so far in life. Granted I have pushed injuries and ignored my body's check engine light quite a few times and paid for it later. But in that same breath, I have also dug so deep and done some intense things with only the dregs of my sheer will power left.
So, how did I have such a dream fall season you ask? The mind gym, and I went every day. Even the days I wanted to wallow in self doubt. I went to the mind gym. The days I didn't feel like I had an ounce left, I worked on the weakness. My greatest weakness and if you have ever read any of my other blogs, is my own self doubt. As riders-it doesn't matter how many times you win or someone you respect tells you how great you are, unless you can believe it yourself, it won't matter and it absolutely will catch up to you. I have a solid mentor in my life who helps me celebrate my wins, assess my losses but her biggest influence on me is making sure I have all my ducks in a row in my head. I call her and text her all the time. She sends me podcasts, books, articles and all things mind positive and it's been a game changer for me. I do a lot of it before every phase at a show. I remind myself that I am worthy of greatness and that wearing bright pink at this stage of the game doesn't make me weird, it simply makes me the first one brave enough to do it. And believe me when I say the haters and the judgmental, dirty looks in warm up aren't easy to miss. And to those people I say, I'm sorry you aren't brave enough to be you but this is unapologetically me.
My only goal at the 3 star in Kentucky was to put together 3 good phases and to enjoy every moment of it. One never knows when they will ever be in a spot like this ever again. To start off in dressage I had an error in my test almost immediately. (Stupid 10 meter trot circle didn't really belong there anyway!) I didn't panic though, I laughed and moved on with the rest of my test which ended up being pretty swell. Cross country looked intimidating and daunting. It had all my greatest fears out there. Super slices, hills to jumps out of water and the skinniest skinnies with brush well over my head. Oh yeah, and a Kentucky 3 day 5* table. No biggie. But as I said to wonder coach Cathy rather wisely I admit, "I can't worry about fence 2 until I've jumped fence 1". And so I did. I conquered that behemoth nearly advanced track one red flag at a time. And I loved every minute of it with my best guy. We swooped up to first being the only pair to go clear over the fences. We headed into show jumping with a 20 point lead and all I could think was "God, please don't let me do something stupid and get eliminated with this much breathing room going in!" But lucky for me, I got a bloody nose in warm up and was distracted enough by that. I did go clear, albeit trotting the last fence due to the rider being blonde and taking her leg off in the half halt but hey, we practiced those trot fences the week before so it was just more practice! I cried over that final fence. Who wouldn't? I just won my first 3 star on the sassiest bay Maserati and John was there to see it happen. Sitting there listening to the national anthem in the middle of the ring felt like I won the Olympics and it's a moment that will be hard to forget.
VA horse trial was the ultimate mind test for me. Dressage was super in that end of the year great ride feeling. And then I came undone in show jumping. I didn't have my normal coach or a coach at all unfortunately due to circumstances beyond me and the routine was off. I got in that ring and it was hot and I just panicked. I thought about how my routine wasn't the same and after fence 6 I absolutely fell apart. The rails started coming down and that's not our style. I was so disappointed because I had just manifested my down fall. My biggest fear became my reality and I had only myself to blame. I patted Hail, apologized to him, wallowed over a glass of wine and pizza and then my Aunt Camie and my mom essentially told me to get over it. And I did, because it was time for our best phase.
Cross country morning I went for one last course walk and dragged the ungrateful white fluffy dog along. I wasn't excited yet, I was still bummed about yesterday and questioning my worth. It took having a good time with the dog in the water jump for me to reset my focus and remember that I was in freaking Virginia riding my dream horse at my dream level and I had a literal ARMY of support behind me. Perspective changed, I headed back with a clear head and visualization ready to tackle that course. Some pep words from mom and some Yip yips as we left the startbox and away we sailed. We sailed around that course like it was made me for us. At fence 3 I finally took a breath and by fence 5 I was smiling and cheering him on like an idiot again. We made the time. I didn't even look at my watch. I just rode. I felt. I lived. And I thrived. I hugged him and told him he was perfect to me and the color of the ribbon would never change his worth to me. Except, that part where we went clear and made the time? Yeah, we won a 3 star. Again! The texts coming in were overwhelming. But the most influential one was from an old client whose daughter was also showing at this show and all she said was 'It's not a 2 phase competition...it's a 3 phase" essentially meaning, it's not over til it's over. My crap show jump didn't define me as a rider. But my ability to overcome that and still put out a stylish cross country ride is. If there's one thing I know how to do, its persevere and rise from those ashes.
If you don't fancy a podcast and didn't listen to the one that I had the pleasure of doing with Major League Eventing, the gist is that this sport is freaking hard. It's even harder if you can't see your own worthiness. Don't let anyone dim your shine, especially that mean voice in your head. Shoutout to Andi Patzwald for making me see that. It will always be my hardest phase because eventing is 4 phases. Dressage, Cross country, show jumping and the mental game we all struggle with. Don't deny it. I want to thank you everyone who has believed in me from the start and has been with me every step of this insane journey. Please never stop messaging me. I'm thrilled that Eventing Nation helped me put Area 4 on the map because there's a lot of talented people here feeling unseen and unheard in this sport or scared to reach for their own dreams. But I'm here to tell you to work your ass off and reach for them because I see you and I support you, your tarnishes and all.
Thank you Crowell's as always for generously letting me ride this horse who has made my career and made me see my own capabilities. Dreams come true with people like you.
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