The License to Have Fun
When I think back on the last 5 months of my life, I am in complete awe of the things that little ole me and my little pony achieved. I took my time sitting down to write this blog for few different reasons. One- I feel like I am EVERYWHERE right now. You can't open Instagram or Facebook and not find me somewhere. I am in so many interviews, podcasts, forums and pages. I feel like I am stalking people's homes with how often Hail and I come up. I wanted everyone to have a break! The second reason was feeling overwhelmed. The last month has been quite frankly, a lot. I took to turning my phone off so I stopped having mental breakdowns. Instant fame took some getting used to and learning how to be comfortable continuing to be me even though I garnered a lot of national (and international) attention for our performance at Kentucky. It started to feel like I was drowning but now I have swum my way to the surface and I want to share with you thee coolest horse show of my entire life. So sit back with that glass of wine and buckle up, we are embarking on a journey many people helped make happen.
My entire mild goal of 2025 was to give advanced level a go. Swing for the fences and have a good time. Afterall, I'm just a simple girl from Wisconsin. Intermediate had become so easy in the best of ways. I was no longer stressed about it and therefor it was time to get stressed out all over again and try something harder. I got to Florida, had a great intermediate run and was feeling pretty confident about the future. But alas, some disaster had to strike. You know that scene from Jurassic park when the T-rex is in the trailer and it wakes up and starts shaking the trailer vigorously? Hail did that in my trailer. He leaned up against the divider and tried to climb the wall. By the time we got back from the show I was in tears and he was bloodied on his hind legs to the point where I had a panic attack unloading him and hyperventilated until my sister got home. That was the day Hail decided he wanted a brand new straight load trailer. And 3 days later I had to trade in my lovely 2 horse slant and empty my savings account to buy him his own Barbie Dream trailer. January felt expensive and hauling him again seemed terrifying. Going advanced felt like a fantasy that I wasn't sure I could handle.
If you asked me in a job interview what my greatest strength is, I would say my resiliency. My weakness? Not being able to quit when I maybe should. I cracked on after that trailer trauma. I didn't slow down and step back like a normal person noooo, because I have to be a stubborn ass. I stress baked a lot of macarons, cried driving my new trailer out of fear to lessons and worked my pretty little butt off. Before we knew it, I was pulling into Rocking Horse for my first advanced. Did I get my lead changes in my test? No. Did I jump around a beautiful show jump round? Sure did. And that was the exact moment I said to Cathy "Maybe next year I will aim for Kentucky!" (insert my sarcastic voice) and she responded "How about this year?" Obviously I laughed because this lady is off her rocker. We cracked around that cross country course like we were made for it and that was the first time I started to wonder if maybe just maybe, she was onto something...
We had to run another 3 star before to qualify and all I can say is that it was a trash weekend. I did my worst work in all 3 phases because they mattered and I HAD to ride well so obviously I didn't. It was the weekend. I admitted I didn't have enough bit on xc, my saddles didn't fit and I needed to work on my head game. It was crumbling. We sorted out a lot of things and Terra Nova went much better. That coincidentally was also the scariest cross country course I have ever run and I don't freak about a whole lot. Those open corners didn't look possible. I was so sure we would end up in the middle of one and lots of people in front of me did. While that didn't do a lot for my confidence, an early stupid runout made me ride grittier than ever and we did those corners on the direct line that a lot of people didn't although we took a frangible pin from my pulling him to the wide side. But wildly enough, Kentucky was on.
The weeks leading up to Kentucky at home were really freaking hard. I drove to lessons constantly and I was so sure he would randomly go lame or I would get hurt because there's just no way I actually get to go, right? The moment we pulled into the park was surreal and became very real as soon as we unloaded, did the intense vet checks and officially checked it. Throwing that lanyard over my head and seeing that it said 'Competitor' made me pause. I was here and I was doing this and I had to remind myself that I had the same right as everyone else to be here. I may not have the money or the latest whose who coach backing me but I had something so much richer. I had the force of every little kid, Pony clubber and adult ammy back in Area 4 rooting for me. I had 2 coaches who are notorious hard asses telling me I was good enough. I had an owner who defended me from the doubters telling me to go for it. And a sister who spent hundreds of dollars on the brightest pink gear from Amazon she could find. And of course the best husband who is currently up for husband of the year standing behind me telling me to go after those dreams and live them. And so I did.
The first time I walked the cross country course I only took Whitney with me. I slapped on my orange 'Competitor' band and trekked to that start box. I took Whit for a few reasons. One, she's run this level so she was least likely to freak out about big jumps and would be able to help me remain mentally sound. Two, she was there for my first intermediate and reminded me to laugh and breathe. I will never forget walking my first intermediate and her saying at a big question on the back of the course "It would really suck to fall off here and walk of shame all the way back to the trailers from here." I have never stared at someone and then burst out laughing quite like that. But by God I rode great there because I thought about that cantering up to it. We talked about each jump and the different ways to make it. And once we reached the finish fence we both agreed that it was 'just another advanced course' and I could handle it. I walked it once again with Dorothy who makes me remember to sit my ass in the tack and get it done, once with Cathy who reminds me to slow my brain down and think logically, and then a final time Saturday alone with headphones on and my pump up list playing. To be honest, I was the least stressed out of everyone. I had done the work to get here physically, emotionally fought the mental demons and was as prepped as we could be. It was in my reins, Hail's legs and God's hands now.
I maintain that the best advice I got all weekend came from Meaghan Burdick. She reminded me to stay in my lane and focus on me and my journey. Don't let the excitement of being here and the crowds distract from my task as a rider. While it may seem obvious, let me tell you how hard it is! Gah you want to pick your head up and see all the people here to see you! Too damn bad. We jumped a whole 6 jumps in warm up, the coaches conferred that I was ready and Whit and I headed to start box. Whitney was Hail's emotional support human all weekend (and mine) and I remember turning to her and saying "I can do this" to which she replied "I know you can." and she released us from the box to the hallowed course where I proceeded to ride the best I have in my entire life.
I never turned on my watch. Truthfully, I have no idea what optimum time even was, I didn't care. My plan was to ride the horse Hail was that day. Support him where he needs it, have a plan and stay the hell out of his way. We were slow because I wanted to make sure my plans were clear to both of us and that we had time tot think. I had mentioned to Cathy that I would try to rein me in today and be quiet on course and I loved it when she responded "Being YOU is what got you here. So be you today too". Sigh of relief because I was unapologetically me every single lyric of Pink Pony Club I sang aloud (which I really thought was in my head) and every little bit of praise I had for mommy's little monster. I smiled, I laughed and I talked to him the whole time. That bay boy cantered around that course like he was made to do it. Every loud cheer made us better and grittier and more determined. Getting through the final combination was that moment of 'Oh my God I'm running around Defender and I'm going to do it clear!". I jumped through that final fence and absolutely sobbed. I freaking did it. They called us the ride of the day. I have never cried so much in one week in my life. I am also not a hugger by nature and I sure did a lotta that! I received no less than 500 messages commending my performance, interview requests, videos and pics from strangers and notes stating how we were an inspiration in hot pink. Because heck yeah I rode in the pink. I'm surely not going to be any less me to make you more comfortable and I will never apologize for that. I slept like a corpse that night.
The attention to detail that Whitney, my mom and super friend Dawn had that next morning for jogs was sensational. Maggie Knowles (Hail's bodyworker) was there at the crack of dawn working his muscles so he felt his best. Perfect braids, a bright pink baby bow in his forelock and a lovely pink jacket and we were declared sound to jump the colorful sticks. I love the pics from the jog. That joy on my face? It's real. I got to live in the moment and take it all in. We strolled down the walk way to that arena once again and Brian O'Connor announced us as the Kentucky Favorites and the crowd went wild. Did I freak at the environment and bomb fence one? Yes. Did he spook at the crowd for the entire triple line? Also yes. But you know what? I didn't panic. I just rode better. I took a breath and remembered it was just another trip around the colored sticks. I counted the 1, 2, 3 rhythm under my breath and stayed straight. We jumped the shit out of the rest of that course and the crowd went wild for us. They went crazy for a girl they watched grow up. A kid they watched struggle with confidence in her riding. The college girl who waitressed after riding all day to pay off those vet bills. The woman they saw die inside putting her third upper level hopeful down from yet another freak accident. They cheered for her because she didn't come from money or being handed the perfect horse. She bled for it inside and out and kept getting up when life kept kicking her down. When her husband had to hold her up after another panic attack and feeling overwhelmed and underqualified. Because you all saw me.
I cannot tell you how incredible every message you sent meant to me. I cried when strangers sent me paragraphs telling me about how seeing 'A girl just like them' inspired them to keep kicking on. How we made it fun and how we made it ok to achieve the upper levels with a smile on my face and in bright pink. I think I shared my story over and over again a thousand times and yet I felt like I shared it for the first time. John and I kept sending each other every single video or pic of Hail and I we would find and we giggled like kids because I was literally everywhere. Sorry for overwhelming your Instagram's, Facebooks and TikTok's. We lived the dream and had all our biggest supporters there to see us. The SEA of pink all weekend was fire. I loved seeing all the Hail Yeah gear proudly sported because y'all helped get us there.
The list of Thank You's would be endless but I have a few major ones. My sister Whitney- I always thought I'd be grooming for you at this show like we discussed when I was 15. Way to hit Uno reverse on that because you knew I would be a shitty groom. John and Dorothy-thanks for seeing the potential in 22 year old me so that I would have the skills at 32 to get it done. Cathy-this is all your fault that I had to go to this big, scary show. Thanks for dreaming bigger than I could see. Mom-really? Thanks for birthing me and then everything after that. Dawn-you pack the best snacks and wine and always having deodorant. Megan (Moo, bestie, wine drinking friend, Rolex die-hard) Thanks for believing in me so much that you never left start box because you wanted to see your best friend come cross the finish line. And Lucas-for celebrating my successes as much as I did. But also for driving all 8 hours home because I adrenaline crashed hard.
This is your permission to go achieve that dream from the Midwest like I did or where ever you are. Live beyond what you think you can because I am. Do it your way because only you can do you as well as you can. And do it with a smile in whatever color suits you best. This is your license to have fun.
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