Doing Epic Sh*t

     Anyone who knows me is well aware that I'm no delicate flower. I have 1 whole feeling and I'm laissez-faire about lot of things and life in general. I like to think I'm not real easily offended and that I'm pretty sturdy in my morals. I was once described as 'slippery yet dense' which I haven't quite unpacked and figured out what it meant but I think it was meant in a good way for a corn fed midwestern girl with an up-beat personality. All these ingredients make up the chaotic good which is an Ali. And that's also what made these recent weeks strange. For the first time in my life, I felt the dislike of me around me.

    Now, this is not to go on and say I'm the most likable person who lights up the room everyday. Some people's rooms might light up when I leave it and that's just fine. My 1 feeling isn't hurt by this. However, when they say it's lonely at the top of the mountain, oh-wee, they aren't kidding. When I was little ole me in the Midwest and no one really paid attention, I could do whatever I wanted and no one took notice. But now? The magnifying glass is critical and boy does it find the cracks in anyone's shiny exterior. Mine felt the pressure for sure.

    They say imposter syndrome is the "psychological experience of feeling like a fraud despite evident success" according to good ole Google. Essentially you can have stacks of undeniable proof in front of you stating why you deserve to be there and still feel like a fraud. And you know who creates that doubt within you? YOU. If I believed half the crap that ran through my mind of why I don't deserve to be here, I would never leave my bed in the morning. The self questioning, monkey mind of doubt constantly nags at you to quit trying and refrain from taking risks. Play it safe! Stay home! What if you fail? What will people say if you aren't perfect?!

    But, what if I fly? What if I'm great? What if I give others the courage to try? I would rather risk it all everyday and push others out of their comfort zone to find their greatness than sit in a corner like chicken little waiting for the sky to fall. The world of horses isn't so large but man can it be cruel. There are so many voices gossiping and waiting for you to fail or pushing you to give up. My brand of fun is not encouraged at this level. It's heavily discouraged in fact. People roll their eyes and scoff at the pink. They tell my crew to 'quiet down'. Why is it that the circle at the top is so small and elitist? 

    In the Midwest we are such an open and supportive group. We cheer on those that we don't know that we see on cross country. We love that mom that's always stressed at the finish line with bottle of water and praising God that their child lived on cross country. We are so happy that pony stopped bucking and they moved up the level. Just truly a life support crew of people across different levels, trainers, styles, tax brackets and dreams. But as you go up the levels, that fades. Suddenly those who were so happy to see you chasing that dream are furious because you achieved it and they felt left behind or maybe they stopped chasing it and gave up making me you a reminder of the unfinished journey. No longer is the little horse you have enough because you didn't spend a mansions worth of cash on it. It becomes bitter. cold and unfeeling. The joy leaves, the pressure comes and it's keeping up with the Joneses. Happiness becomes secondary and all the sudden that horse becomes a commodity you can replace with a new one if you break it. Not in my world.

    It wasn't a coincidence I wasn't featured much this year on live stream. I'm NOT pointing fingers and I assure you I am only mildly bitter that life is this way but unfortunately, I've upset the perfectly coiffed apple cart of upper level eventing. God forbid I smile and love my horse. How dare I have an army of believers in bright pink! The horror! And to think I have a social media following of people just like me who are so happy to see someone normal do great things and have so much fun doing it that they encourage others! I have been destroyed on social media for the color I wear and the bit I use on cross country. The bit that keeps me from getting absolutely RUN AWAY with by the terrorist I ride that refuses to believe any fence is large enough for his highness. Am I the perfect rider who has no room to improve? Hell no. Every single coach I have could list 10 flaws I have right now, stone cold sober without taking a breath, blindfolded. I'm so flawed! So beautifully, intricately, uniquely flawed. But those flaws seem to work for me, huh?

    I do a lot of mental health work. I could list you a legion of great books and I apply them. I remind myself that "I am worthy, I deserve to be here and Let them see me be great today. Let my butterflies fly in formation" It may not work for everyone, but it works for me. It helped me throw down a beautiful dressage test the judges hated. It made me ride awesome on cross country that the internet trolls tore apart. And it showed me how to stay calm on a much improved show jump round that anyone would tell you had as many rails as last year. But you know what I know this time? I know Hail and I went for it in that test and I was elated! I know cross country is the phase that horse and I gel in so freaking well. And only I know that Hail told me in that show jump round that the ground was a bit hard for XC and he was feeling it in show jumping and that I could now go less bit on XC because he promises to listen better next time. We have been jumping clear all damn season up until that! And I am the one sitting in that damn saddle. No one else!

    I know it's easy to point and a finger and judge things like we all do. Me included. But this journey has taught me to be kinder to others as well as myself. I'm not perfect but no one says I have to be. As long as I keep trying to be better and I do right by that horse, I can sleep at night. There are so many kids out there dreaming of just doing 1 of the cross country jumps I have gotten to do and most will never get the chance. But I'm out here doing incredible stuff just trying to show people that their dreams aren't too lofty. I think my favorite part of Defender this year was doing a signing booth and meeting so many incredible humans. I love people. I'm an extroverted extrovert much to Lucas' horror. I talk to strangers constantly everywhere I roam. Little Hail may be the only horse I get to go this level with but, man, what a trip it's been. Defender was so different this year. I didn't feel panicked, just ready to be great even though the politics of the sport would make sure I wasn't too great. I felt so loved from anyone wearing our gear. I heard people yelling "Hail Yeah!" on cross country and oh did it make me smile. My sister won best groomed horse 2.5 weeks after having a freaking baby! Who does that?! She made money at a show that cost me thousands! (insert laugh here!)

    I what I'm trying to get across is that even the people you keep on the highest of pedestals fight demons at night too. Your most respected rider probably experiences internet bullies too. That trainer you think is perfect for every horse has had to give up on a horse they couldn't fix either. The mentally sound coach likely has to go to therapy so they can guide you and your dreams. At the end of the day, we are all humans too and it's everyone's first time being a human so maybe stop worrying about doing it perfect and just go do some epic shit with a smile on your face and have that glass of wine. You look like you could use it :)

The quality photos by Jj Sillman. Terrible ones by yours truly iPhone. Oxer pic by Megan Corbett