The Illusion

 

This summer has gotten out of control already and it's only June. I feel like I'm sprinting the hundred meter dash when I'm actually only fit for a slow jog. Or hurdles, but I'm blindfolded and the hurdles are on fire and the striding is wrong. You get the picture. I haven't had a whole lot of time to sit down and reflect and I've realized I'm missing out on all the little things happening without me. I seem to be sweating the details and stressing about non sensical things, but I missed my Irises blooming. I never even saw it happen. I only noticed that I missed it tonight because I was watering my veggies and saw the dead heads on the Iris plants. How could I miss that?

If you are anything like me, you shove entirely too much into the summertime and never have a chance to catch a breath. But you fear that if you don't go and do all the things, you might miss out on something great and we can't have that. So we run. Run to that horse show, run to that party, fit in just a few more lessons, get just one more horse ridden and then fall into bed and do it again. At the rate I'm going, it's going to be time to Christmas shop soon. Don't get me wrong, I love the rush but gee dang it, I'm tired. I need more hours in a day, more minutes in an hour and definitely more naps per week. I want to be able to enjoy it all and the issue is that I lack the capacity to do it all well and soak up all the itty bitty details happening around me. I need to transition my focus and stop worrying about the little things that don't matter and instead apply myself in the areas that do. I also need a secretary or a second me. Something to organize this chaos.

I had an interesting moment at a show a few weeks ago. I once again had a less than desirable dressage score and I was annoyed. I know I'm better than this. I happened to run into my dressage judge while I was walking the stadium course. She luckily vaguely remembered my ride. Let me clarify-she remembered how great my division had been so therefor she recalled the one iffy ride in it. That was yours truly. I asked her her suggestions on how I go about fixing my horse's crookedness in the reins while showing softness during the test. She pretty much chalked it up to 'you know how to work on that at home' but the she said   "I can't see that from where I sit so just pretend he's straight and ride from there. After all, dressage is an illusion anyway" WHAT?! I'm all up in here acting humble looking at the cracks in my armor and asking how to fix them and she's saying it's an illusion! A magic show if you will. A fallacy! Pretty much, work those mistakes and cover them. Here I was trying to make a serious effort to fix it in the ring and she wants me to fake it. I mean I guess it makes sense, but it felt like a sham. Like I won't really be selling what I have. But hey-what the dressage judge wants, the dressage judge shall get. You can bet my next score will be better.

But here's my point again! I was sweating the wrong details. I got so focused on the flaw that I forgot to look at all the assets and treasures my steed had. As if I was saying to the judge "I know this part is ugly, but look at me try to make it better" when instead I should have been showing off our great parts. I'm sorry I dropped the ball Ocho-I will be better next time and make the illusion happen. So typical of me to focus on the weakness and the part I hate the most instead of the parts that are incredible and unique. Luckily I seem to apply that negative thought process only to myself and not when I teach. I try to so hard to be uplifting and positive when I teach people and not tear them down because no one learns from being beaten down. There's ways to deliver less than great news and change behavior without ruining lives and making children cry. Although sometimes it happens regardless.

Take myself for example-I hate the weight I gained after my surgery. 20 unwelcome pounds that I'm working so hard to get rid of. You what else I gained though? SO much. I no longer have anxiety, sleep insomnia, panic attacks, migraines, incredible body pains and my food allergies went away. I was happy to see those go. I used to not be able to eat bacon. I know, a serious tragedy. But  I'm normal like most people now. As normal as I can ever get anyway. It's so easy to forget about all those though and just focus on the icky parts of me. However, I'm not transparent in the fact that people can't see those things happening but they can see me slowly getting fluffy so my paranoia isn't all for not. 

This long winded story jumps around a lot but the theme runs true through the middle. I'm not seeing all the greatness and I need to start looking for it. Flaws are an opportunity to improve, but they aren't all that we are. I suppose if I oozed perfection I'd be a real killjoy to be around. I need to fix my own illusion that I am just a hot mess all the time. I'm really not! Who I was a year ago or 5 years ago would be so proud of the me today. Like in grade school when they make you do the thing "Where do you see yourself in X amount of years?" I'm pretty sure 6th grade me would be so impressed with who I am today. Except I think I thought I was going to get Olympic gold by now, but you know besides that one I achieved the rest! I'd say I turned out pretty cool. (6th grader terms)

I suppose I should invest some energy in working on mini event stuff and lesson schedule but meh, might rain check on myself this time and watch my favorite show with a cup of tea or play with the dogs. It will be there tomorrow and it's still a month away. I've got to stop worrying about all the little, miniscule and petty things and put away the magic show. I need to learn to take off the blind fold and start doing some serious runouts from those flaming hurdles. I'm slowing down to a jog instead of sprint because let's be real, I only want to run if I'm being chased by a lion and this is Wisconsin and I get to ride horses AS A CAREER. I think a casual jog will be just fine.