Construction Zone

    It's been a hot minute since I've had time to sit down and write but tonight felt right. I finally got that vacation I desperately needed which gave me some much needed clarity and time to reflect and think. I know most people know me as a fun and lively individual, but I can get real deep sometimes. This year, for me, was a big one. I decided I was going to do some real self improvement. No excuses anymore on why I am the way I am. After all-I'm free of that pesky uterus now so I've got spare time!  I'm a firm believer in if you want change and results-do the Work. That's it, just be better. And lucky for me, I had a lot of areas that had 'construction ahead' signs on them. It was time to get out the shovel and start filling in those potholes that were impinging me from being my best self. To work I went.

To give you a glimpse of my flaws, we gotta go back a few years...

In college I used to be a bit of a hot head. I was fiercely competitive and I couldn't stand any one's weaknesses. The more they told me freshman don't win high point rider at IHSA horse shows, the more I was determined to collect them. I couldn't understand how girls would crack under pressure. Like get it together!  Unfortunately, no matter how big my scholarship was, this attitude got me benched more than once and I missed out on a super important show. I was in the security office 3 times for getting in fights with multiple girls at an all girls private college. Honestly, that much estrogen in one building is a ticking time bomb anyway. Still, I couldn't see the problem was in fact me. I just assumed they were all inept. I can see now how heartless I was. And mean without even trying. Just walking by someone and having full resting bitch face on-not exactly approachable Ali. Snide comments don't make you any friends.

My other issue was my intentions often were more self serving than not. I rode for me and only me. I know that sounds crazy since, duh, you are the only one on the horse, but I was NOT a team player. I didn't care. It's kind of a souless way to be. I burned out hot and fast which turned into bitterness. By the time I made it to Nationals for reining my senior year, I didn't even care. I completely blew the pattern. I drew the best horse of the class and yet, I didn't even want to be there. I had no passion for it left. I was tired of being forced to care for the sake of the scholarship. What I couldn't see was the coach who had a lot of hopes in dreams riding with me to help put the schools name on the map. I wasn't even aware that I was riding for both of us. And if you are reading this Coach Sara, I'm sorry for how far my head was up my ass that day. I cringe thinking about it now. I promise I'm better now. 

This one has always been hit or miss for me-kindness. I'm either all in self-sabotaging to help someone else or I could not give it the time of day.  This year I have been trying so hard to go out of my to do nice things or at least thoughtful things for others. It doesn't always work but I'm making myself tap the brakes and think first. Sometimes its taking a mental breath and counting to 3 before responding. I think for most people that's called a filter but I was born without one.  I'm trying like hell to install that App now. It's definitely ended me up in tears a few time as the frustration had to seep out somewhere but that's better than a sharp tongue. But as someone who used to be somewhat of a bully, I'm working real hard on reining that in. I will always be a fighter not a flighter, but I can learn to have some grace. I'm much better now. I worked hard this year to walk away from almost disputes that weren't worth getting involved in but also removing the triggers all together. I don't associate with those that do not benefit my mental state. I will actually lose sleep and I'm an absolute gremlin without 7 hours and a lot of coffee.

Curiously, a lot of people have questioned why I sold/gave my mom Maggie, the gorgeous 4 year old mare I was keeping for myself. The answer is so easy for me. Because she needed her. She had nothing. Her heart horse died suddenly and I know what that raw pain feels like. To eat and taste nothing and to cry without feeling anything. It's awful. And no one could give me anything to help ease the pain for me when it was me going through it. But, I could help her. I'm a bleeding heart when it comes to this kind of stuff.  I know I have an eye for lovely young horses. I know I could find another. Luckily Hail swooped in to save the day which makes passing Maggie on feel even better. I know that my selfish ways are behind me now.

Lane switch! Obviously losing the weight that was stressing me out as well this year. That's been a massive help. I am not my hormones and I will no longer allow that uterus to control me. It took reaching out and admitting I needed help which is not my style but I have an incredible judgment free health coach who cheers me on. Having people tell you how incredible you look does wonders for you! It also makes you wonder "How bad did I look before..?' but that's not the point. The fact that I was able to lean on someone other than me tells me I've grown. I felt so good that I did something I thought I would never do- I sang a beautiful song for my sister at her wedding. That took some serious lady balls!

I was never a forgiving type. Wrong me once and I'm coming after you. Man could I hold a grudge. There was no room for error with me. My husband can tell you! What a bitter person I was. It took my 7 years to move on from the boy who tried to rape me in high school. Although it will never alright what he did to me, I no longer carry that weight on my shoulders. Yes, it happened, but it can't eat at me anymore and I'm not a victim. It was like a disease, eating up all my joy and happiness. Letting that go was a breath of fresh air. I no longer hold grudges or invest much energy in hate and anger. It serves me poorly and makes me ride like shit. There's no room for that kind of attitude in this temple of love. Sometimes it's hard, but I don't want to get to the end of my life and have regrets. You only get this one life. 

And of course Hail coming into my life has turned things around for me. I tend to silently wallow after many things go south in my life and drink wine to cover those problems. My self esteem was in the trash this spring. I had no faith in me and that's actually always been a thing for me. I never think I deserve to ride or have the horses I do have or that it serves me right to lose them. As a coach I would self doubt and used to throw up before I gave lessons. I would be up all night before teaching cold sweats and having panic attacks. I would worry people weren't getting anything out of it or that I had no idea what I was doing. A video montage of all my mistakes would run rampant through me head. It took me months of teaching day after day to stop making myself ill, stressing. That and giving successful lessons. But ME as the coach knowing they were good, not because someone told me. Because let's be real-you don't get gold stars in this industry. More so though because happiness comes from within. It doesn't grow on trees or come in the mail. Although it can come in the form of adorable bay ponies. I've had to dig deep to find that confidence and Hail is slowly helping me find it. I mean we did just win beginner novice-watch out world!

So looking back, I can see how much I've grown this year. Like rings on a tree, you can tell which years are more feast and which are famine. This one is feast for me because I'm choosing to lead it that way. I regret not working on me sooner and I'm grateful for the friends I did have in college. You all were patient people and you must have seen the diamond in my rough exterior. And for that, I'm eternally grateful. I suppose my road will always be under construction, but this year I've really laid down some new pavement. I chiseled some new good habits in my give no shits personality and I think I'm becoming someone 13 year old me would be proud of. At least I hope so. Until I know for sure though, there's construction ahead.