Worthy


Anyone who says success is a straight line is a complete lunatic and needs to be put in a home. There, I said it. Success, I believe, is measured by your own relentless expectation of where YOU think you should be. And nothing else. I think back to my last year of living and my Lord it's been a wild little ride. First, things were dramatically difficult, constantly and I seemed to be this vicious cycle of self doubt and chaos. Like I was trapped in a cycle of suckiness. As if I was just wandering in a hall of mirrors and there was no way out. Just reflecting my own self insecurities and it was awful. How do you get out?

Belief. Believing I could be better. That's what got me out of my loop. I had to physically write down the things I felt I was capable of but hadn't been able to achieve, yet. And then I started hacking away at that list. I had stopped lessoning and improving myself for a long time because I was so down on myself that I stopped feeling worthy of being better. I no longer could light my own candle. I lacked my fire within. I was just drifting on through believing I had it coming-all the bad and unfortunate things were driven by karma in some misguided notion in my head. I wasn't worthy of the great things life had to offer. And that's where I went wrong.

Deserving something in life is a load of shit. No one deserves bad things to happen to them in life. No one's lot in life should be harder than another's. Losing a spouse to a car accident is a horrible thing no one should have to experience. Winning the lottery is incredible and unexpected. But neither one 'had it coming'. They didn't draw that straw. No one's story is fully written when they are born and I am a firm believer in being the driver of your own destiny. I was being a passenger in mine, letting it happen around me and assuming that's how it was. And who I was.


So I made that list and I got started. It was hard going outside my routine and instead, putting myself first. Helping others is in my nature. I started taking lessons again and seeing the progress and started to wonder if maybe there was more to me than met the eye. Maybe I really was a good rider and did have the skills to make changes. Like maybe I was allowed to receive  that greatness. But me, being me, could hardly allow that kind of confidence without proof. I needed to be better and work harder, achieve even more. One by one, I am checking things off that list. Self Love is on that list and I haven't been able to check it off quite yet but I'm chipping away at it slowly. Like they say about eating a whole elephant, you do it one bite at a time.

Week by week I felt a little more confident in my abilities and the results and the proof started to roll in. Anyone that has followed my career with Hail would no doubt say our partnership and show record has been incredible. I won't deny it. That horse has been raking in the ribbons. But I swear to God anyone who says to me "Wow Ali, you have been so lucky this year" is an uncultured swine. And some people have said it. I have worked my cute butt off with that horse and they clearly weren't there when I was balling my eyes out behind the barn in March when his neck abscessed and he wasn't able to go to Florida and was out for WEEKS. I was nearly inconsolable and wracked with misplaced guilt. They weren't there when I crashed and burned in jump lessons from PTSD from show jumping Reddin. They must have missed me getting run off with him at home on cross country because we didn't trust each other. They didn't see that he tried to dump me every day for the first month I had him because he didn't like me and my rules. No, they must have missed those days. How lucky for them.


Any path in life has it's feast and it's famine. Maybe yours is hitting a low spot, or maybe you have finally hit your stride. I've certainly had my dose of famine but I'm hitting my stride and I think a large portion of the credit there goes to my mind game. I had to stop letting self loathing and fear shape me. I had to learn to allow myself to thrive. I had to become the dandelion in the sidewalk crack. This wonderful horse has fallen into my life and instead of thinking "I have to be good enough to deserve to ride him and I have to catch up", I had tell myself "You have to be the best partner you can be" because I don't know if you know, but a good jockey is required in order to navigate these chaotic 4 legged jumping beef nuggets. I became the best partner. We learned how to help each other and not to piss each other off. I am so glad I started at beginner novice with him and went from there because we didn't know one another and now? Now that stubborn bay pony has my back no matter what and there's no better feeling. 

And in all of this-I have become the best version of myself. I stopped caring about what the color or the ribbon said about me as a trainer but instead I showed because I freaking love that horse and love to have fun. Cross country on Hail is Christmas morning, a Halloween party and a Thanksgiving all at once. If you have ever watched me ride cross country, you have seen how much I enjoy it and so does he. And the pink...a gift from my students, it's gonna stick. It just fits us. Although the green vest has to go. I look like a deranged Teletubby and that's not my style.




All in all, the incredible village that is Area 4 eventing community has been the most amazing cheer leading section. The amount of people that come up to me at shows and tell us what fun they have watching us or how we inspire them brings me such inner peace. To tet people that cheered for us at Otter Creek-y'all are the best. You made it feel like Rolex. And to the people I yelled at to run for their lives while I was galloping, I couldn't let you ruin Hail's favorite part! Our deal is, he runs as fast as he wants in between fences and I pick the pace that we jump stuff at. A deal's a deal.

When Sunday morning rolled up and I was sitting in first place going into show jumping, I watched some videos of Hail and I (game footage if you will) just to remind myself that I was indeed a capable and crazy, badass horse girl who jumps stuff that doesn't fall down and that I could in fact do this. I pep talked myself to Hail and God on my way to warmup reminding myself that I was worthy of greatness, that I earned today's opportunity and that I just had to stay out of my own way. I also would need Hail's sweet skills to help me should I need it. Going in that ring I gave him some pets and said "We can do this buddy". The thing about horses is that they don't know if they won Rolex or if they smashed through a cross rail and show zero potential. It doesn't matter to them. They know they like carrots. I don't think it mattered to Hail much if we left all the rails up on Sunday or not, but he knew it mattered to me. If you saw my round, you know he should have stopped at fence 3, but he didn't. He became a spider monkey when I panicked and had flashbacks of show jumping Reddin and he contorted himself over it without so much as rubbing it. And then he didn't hold it against me when I kicked on to that maxed out 1 stride right after I removed my head from my ass, he just got it done. And then I took a breath and said "Ali, you can do this" and then the rest of my round was amazing. I think I experienced all the stages of grief out there. 


After I cleared the last fence Sunday, I cried. I finally let all the bad go. I let the potential greatness shine through. I became the rider little Ali would have been proud of. I didn't ride for anyone but me. I finally just rode. Hail is probably the most talented horse I have ever sat on. And may ever sit on. I will never take him for granted. I don't know how long our journey will be but my time with him has nearly healed my scars from the last few years of loss and sadness. He has made me feel worth it, not relevant. And I will never loose the fire he makes me feel when I get to show and jump him. I can never repay John for lending me this  My Little Pony but I will never forget it. Thank you for making me feel worthy Little Hail. I'm finally the best version of myself. 

Ali in the the real and raw, signing out.












 

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